as_i_fallxx

Tonight, he told more of his life story.
I seem to aquire it in bits and pieces....a few old stories, and a few new ones every time...every so often....But always a repeated phrase.
"I hate my life." occasionally it's accompanied with snide comments about why he drinks, or something along those lines. But consistantly. "I hate my life."
I hate that...it makes me feel powerless...there's nothing I can do to help. No matter what, I can't take it away and make him hate life at least a little less. I feel like I'm inadequate for this...I can't help him. And I don't know what to do. So I sit here and cry and get looked at sideways...or get told that he'll "be fine" and that I shouldn't worry about him..he always thinks that it's pity. or me feeling sorry.
I don't know what i'd rather.
Would I rather he think I'm just over-emotional and feeling sorry for how hard he's had it...or would I rather he know that I'm busy beating myself up for being a terrible girlfriend because I can't do anything. The person I love more than anything ever...and I can't even help him hate life a little less? what's wrong with me?

Ugh.
This girl is just not going to stop haunting me.
so now Mary's engaged again.
to a guy she cheated on Jesse with.
three months after they got together (the exact amount of time it took before she and Jesse got engaged.)
the date is set to be their first anniversary (the same thing she and Jesse did.)
so Jesse's determined that she just wants to get married. which is pretty obvious.


But everything that happens, how she's acting, seems to be tearing him up so much. I don't....know what to do to help him, or know what I can say, or anything. I'm somewhere between angry, concerned, frustrated, and lost. I really just don't even know. I'm so sick of him being upset over the newest dumb thing that she's doing and it getting to him....it's really kind of stressing me out actually. I dunno what to do at all and I really wish that it would all just STOP.

IF YOU DID NOT VOTE,
THEN PLEASE DO NOT BITCH ABOUT WHO WON THE ELECTION.

You had MORE than enough of an opportunity to have a say in who you wanted to win. And if you didn't like either of them, there were other options...and you could have pulled your ass out of television/radio/magazine propaganda and do some research of your own...even if you weren't 100% satisfied with either of the major candidates, you could have figured out which one you agreed with more based on research and what they ACTUALLY have to say, instead of what TV/Radio has to say they had to say. Instead, you did not, and you actively CHOSE not to vote. SO, you did not use your RIGHT to have a say in who won. SO you should NOT get to bitch about who DID win, because YOU did nothing to counteract that if you felt so strongly.
so please. Shut the hell up bitching about Obama's victory, if you were so against it, you could have at least TRIED to stop it, and then at least earned yourself some bitching rights. otherwise you shouldn't be complaining about it.
NO one wants to hear your regurgitated radio speals talking shit about Obama's being Socialist, or affiliated with terrorists. Wisen up a little, pull your head out of your ass (and the media's) and take a stand before you oppose someone elses.
That is all.

Well I still can't shake it
I know nothing's going to happen.
I know she's dating some guy now.
and I know Jesse loves me.
but him talking to Mary still makes me feel really uneasy.
and I think it always will.
I dunno if I'll ever be able to pinpoint just exactly why....but he'll come home talking about something they were talking about and it just really kind of kills me a little bit each time. Am I really just that jealous and possessive? I don't really know at all.

am  i a horrible person for basically hoping she'd actually stop talking to him for real?

When he kisses me..my heart flutters and skips beats my stomach produces like 4000 butterflies, and my knees get weak.
When he looks at me the way that he does sometimes I'm completely breathless.

I just moved my bed and computer and tv and such into the apartment. into our room. *our* room. *our* bed.
the prospect of this being so real and permanent is really really overwhelming.
but I couldn't be happier than I have been the last 2 days.

He still talks to Mary.
which is ok but will always and forever scare me.

I'll never be able to pinpoint exactly why. but they were engaged...I'm intimidated. She still loves him, which intimidates me more.
and they talk on myspace.
all he mentions about me is :me and haley get along really well." which is true. But just seems so sparse. I get that maybe he figures she doesn't wanna hear about me. and she's with some new guy......ugh.
and then he told her that he still changes the radio when songs she used to listen to come on...which bothers me more. because it means he still has feelings for her too. doesn't it? and I knew he did/does. you don't really fall out of love, i guess. but it still twists my stomach to know that. I don't know.
i'm just a fool, i suppose.
Things really are actually great. we do in fact get along really well. I'm just...over analyzing things, like always, i suppose.
good lord, does the crazy ever stop?

Why is it so difficult for us to tell the people we love most just how much we love them?
or am I just insane.
the phrase "more than anything" has been stuck under my tongue for so long. and I'm still so scared to sound foolish by telling him that.
I always feel foolish with so many things here, it causes me to be reserved and, then in turn, I feel almost like I'm not giving enough.

I'm not quite sure.

So Jesse and I are at his mom's house for a week.
and Dave just showed up.
Dave is a friend of Jesse's, of course. Well was. I dunno. There's a lot of drama surrounding things, suspicious shit and all that.

Well see, Dave still talks to Missy.
And if Dave knows we're here
there's potential that Missy could know we're here
I dunno if that would make her try to come around or some shit.
I mean she hasn't tried to call Jim or Nina lookin for him. And We've not had real word of her aside from a few chance glimpses as we pass by the gas station....but it still worries me to pieces. HELP

Well, I can honestly say it's been rather a long while since I created one of these little things. And I used to be almost religious about it. We'll see if it works out the same here or not.
But this one is being started because I'm at a turning point in my life, and, as can be expected, I have rather a lot on my mind.
so let us begin.


I'm 20. Newly so. In another nine months I'll be 21. Scary enough thought as it is, growing up. Since eighteen the years have been flying by me faster than I thought possible. When I was a kid, a year was forever....now bam, it's over already, wait what?
and of course, in agreeance with time moving so fast, I'm taking the biggest step of my life as of yet. ((And I'm scared stiff.))

I'm not scared that things won't work out.
and I'm not NOT READY.
I'm just suddenly very aware of what I'm actually about to do.

I'm moving out of my mother's house.
Granted, I've been "living" here in the apartment with my (amazing) boyfriend Jesse and our "roommates" Jim and Nina (Really, we're their roommates, it's their place, we're living in the spare room for a month or so until we get our own place) for a few weeks now...but now it's official. As in I'm actually moving all my stuff...my bed, my TV, my *everything* out of mom's house. I officially no longer live there.
Some ask, so why are you scared? Well because I've never *been* out on my own. And while I've been here and know basically what to expect, I'm still nervous about the change.

I'm excited as can be, really. It's going to be an experience.
Especially after we move out of here and get our *own* place. That'll be even better. :D
between the two of us we have *almost* everything we need to furnish and live in a one bedroom apartment....Almost meaning everything minus a couch and such for the living room. Which my boss actually offered us her old couch once she's rid of it. Until then we're not sure. Also we don't have a vaccuum and may not have a coffee table. But those are all pretty easy to find.

But putting all that aside.
Life has been good.
Nonstop...but good. :D